This is an elongated version of an article I submitted to Ideas Tap for a columnist application.  Sadly due to website issues (on their part) they didn’t accept the application, despite the fact I submitted it before the deadline.  Which makes a hat-trick of rejections from applications with them.  Oh well, it makes an alright blog.

When I was younger, the idea of someone living with their parents in their late twenties seemed strange to me.  I officially moved out at 21, before a lot of my friends did.  In fairness, it was to go to university (after a lot of my friends did), but I deliberately picked somewhere as far away as possible so I would hardly come home.  This place was North Wales.  Australia had been my first choice, but the small matter of $20,000 a year (even when the pound was strong against the dollar) meant I couldn’t afford it.  I probably dodged a bullet there, as I think I decided on Canberra which is possibly one of the dullest cities on earth (although it’s one of the few places in Australia I haven’t been, but only because everyone told me this and they seemed correct).   I came back very briefly at 24 to look for work, and then moved back to Wales.  Then back home, then to Stoke to do an MA.  Then home again, then travel, then home, then Australia, then home, and now I’m in London, struggling.

I currently live independently, which is something I’ve always enjoyed, but the cost of living in London on a low wage has me and several other twenty and thirtysomethings back on the tightrope between independence and the Hotel of Mum and Dad.   It’s especially tough for a creative person as there are hardly any jobs out there, and the few there are want experience but are unwilling to offer you any/take a chance on you to get it in the first place.  Where do these successful candidates get their experience from in the first place?  How can people afford to intern for free for so long in LONDON?  All I know is hard work + some intelligence + a degree + being polite and professional + working for free + moving to London has got me this; a minimum wage job, no spare money at the end of the month after bills, necessities, and (ironically) my career development loan repayments.  On the very very rare occasion I treat myself to a pint it costs me £4, which would take me 45 minutes to earn.

Moving home of course would mean I’d be earning NO money and being back on the dole, but I could pay my parents half of this in rent and resort to selling my stuff (again) to cover the loan repayments, and this would give me some space in the box room that was made for me (formerly the dining room).  I gave my sisters my old room as they used to share one, although for some bizarre reason they seem content to stay.  Maybe because they saw what happened to me.

Home seems like an easy option, and it would be so much better if my parents lived in London.  Or Australia.  But they don’t, they live in Southampton, the land of offices, flats, more offices, bars, and more boring, dull, grey, gossiping, claustrophobic, germ-filled offices.  Which drove me to move and go to university in the first place, and in a sad twist of fate I couldn’t even get temp jobs in these offices when I came home.

It’s easy to forget what living back at home is like, and here are some examples, from personal experience (although I’m sure a few may sound familiar);

1. Hypocrisy/Favouritism – Listening to relaxing music through my headphones can be too loud, yet my little sister blaring out drum and bass with her door open (or my mum enjoying her newfound taste in terrible dance music) goes unnoticed.  ‘Justice.’

2. Annoying mannerisms – Every parent has them.  An embarrassing grunt here, a pick of the nose or clip of the toenails there.  My dad likes to pick at his dry skin whilst talking to you.  My mum talks to herself.

3. Hygiene and Cleanliness – My father could spend half an hour picking up crumbs from the carpet (a bit like a former friend of mine, who seemed to be obsessed with this).   Or spotting a single crumb in the entire kitchen and moaning about it.  Yet, when it comes to cooked food, my parents see nothing wrong with leaving the meal out (uncovered) for a couple of days when there’s leftovers.  Including chicken and fish meals.  Miraculously, they’ve never got food poisoning (or so they tell me).

4. Rubbish TV – We’ve all been there, but parents seem stuck in a perpetual ‘crap evening TV’ routine.  My dad has a more respectable taste in criminal dramas and such.  My mum and little sister rarely miss an episode of X Factor or Strictly Come Dancing.  This is what I imagine purgatory to be like.  This is also the reason my dad and I haven’t ventured into the lounge for several years.

5. Money – Parents are always out to save penny, and it’s understandable.  Mine seem to think that anything with ‘value’ written on it automatically makes it the cheapest item.  Advice on special offers, buy one get one frees, and just checking the price per ml/kg labels in the supermarket falls on deaf ears.  I’m also banned from joining in on the weekly food shop.  Hard-earned knowledge from 4 years of being a university student and a year and a half of being a backpacker wasted.

6. Stupid rules – As a kid you learn certain sensible rules.  Don’t run with scissors, don’t talk to strangers, don’t paint the dog.  Three years ago my parents introduced the controversial ‘no flushing at night rule’ to save money.  I calculated it costs approximately 2p a flush which I offered to pay, but the problem of ‘money’ was then replaced with ‘noise’. My parents cleverly chose to pick the bedroom next to the bathroom, and then put their bed right up against the wall separating the two.  Nowadays for 8 hours a night the bathroom becomes a biological smorgasbord of disgust.

7. Stuff – As a kid you acquire a lot of crap and your bedroom is always messy.  For some reason, my parents practically hoard stuff.  And my sisters.  They also never get round to doing anything.  A few years ago the attic was converted to contain most of this.  There are dustbin bags full of teddies that could be sold or given to charity.  There are old, pointless books, boxes of annuals that fetch 20p in a charity shop and stuff that probably came from there in the first place.  Old clothes no-one wears anymore but won’t give away or throw out.  Ancient computer hardware and software that are obsolete and also have no significant retro or rarity value.  Admittedly I have a little bit of stuff, but this is useful stuff like cooking utensils and the remaining comics (a financial investment which is soon to be eBayed) that my dad didn’t throw out when he thought they were evil (weird religious phase) or my mum didn’t ruin by putting in the shed (we also have 3 sheds).

And yet the house is still full of random bollocks.    In our kitchen are random 80s throwbacks that sit in dusty boxes on top of cupboards.  The ‘Mince Master’ that has never been used, but is being kept as it just might be, on one sad lonely beef-preparing day.  Old magazines hide in boxes while drawers remain full of useless titbits that could easily be replaced from a pound shop if they ever were truly needed.  Ironically, my parents often moan they don’t have enough space or money.  My constant recommendation of a car boot sale to my dad was consistently accepted, only when each Sunday came he couldn’t be bothered (but somehow managed to find a way to blame me).  In the entire summer of 2011 we managed a single car boot sale, and about £20.

To be fair to my parents, we do live in a small house, and despite the fact I’ve never liked the house I know it’s all they can afford, and has kept me off the streets several times.  However I can see them ending up as one of the old hoarders on ‘The Life of Grime’ one day.

8. Getting old– Time is a crafty thief and one day you realise it has robbed you of the parents you once knew.  I can remember my parents being in their enthusiastic 30s, throwing parties once a month and owning several dogs instead of making excuses about getting another.  Now I notice the wrinkles and the grey hair (or in my dad’s case the lack of it), slowly morphing into two familiar strangers.  It is a sad thing to see your parents grow old, witnessing them  acquire new ailments, occasionally forgetting things, needing reading glasses for everything, or forgetting their reading glasses.   And sometimes when I look in the mirror I notice it in myself.  My first few wrinkles, receding hairline, grey hair, a tiredness and wisdom that wasn’t there before.   Funnily enough, this will be the ‘youthful’ face my children will remember that will change into something similar to my parent’s in 20-30 year’s time.  I partly disagree with trying to prolong the human life expectancy as it’s only really valid if you are able to properly live, and at least semi-independently.   But who knows what the future holds.  My parents bug me more than anyone else I know, but I love them and will miss them when they’re gone.

One of my favourite movies of all time is Ghostbusters, and I am one of the few fans who actually prefer the sequel (along with my mate Chris).  I remember being a kid and being jealous of my friends who had Ghostbusters merchandise.  My dad went through a weird religious phase for a while and subsequently banned anything related to ghosts or the supernatural believing it to be ungodly and evil.  Thankfully years later I got to watch (and later own) both movies, although I never had the fun of a Ghostbusters lunchbox, or like one brainy friend of mine, a reconstructed proton pack.  I also loved the theme tune, which was played at every house party my parents ever hosted, to the disdain of my Boxer dog Buster who jumped up excitedly every time the chorus hit.  Ghostbusters 2 came out in 1989 (when I was just six), and a staggering 22 years later a sequel is still being touted.

The Ghostbusters from left to right - Dr. Egon Spengler (Harold Ramis), Winston Zeddmore (Ernie Hudson), Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray) and Dr. Raymond Stantz (Dan Akroyd)

Ghostbusters 3 has been confirmed (and denied), with stars such as Sigourney Weaver and Bill Murray seemingly yo-yoing in and out of the project.  Murray has been quite evasive about it, if the answering machine myth is true he must be very hard to get hold of, but he has confirmed that he’s had the script on his desk ‘for some time,’ and would do it if it’s good.  He’s also said he’ll only do it if he gets killed off in the first scene, and has also denied knowing much if anything about it.  Sigourney Weaver has also mentioned that Murray will feature as a ghost, with his son Oscar becoming a Ghostbuster.  The latest rumour is that he has in fact read it, shredded it and returned it to Dan Akroyd.   That’s if you believe the dubious ‘National Enquirer’ of course.  But if it’s true then that’s quite a nasty response, especially from one colleague to another.  But it seems to be edging closer and further into development hell than gracing a cinema screen soon, which is unfortunate.  Murray once said that ”no-one wants to pay money to see fat, old men chasing ghosts” (I sure as heck would), but this is a comedy, and that image is very funny to me.  All the guys have kept relatively busy with the exception of the retired Rick Moranis, and I’m sure they’d still be funny.  I’m not a big fan of CGI but this was used a lot in both films so there’s no reason why this won’t be used again and more extensively in the third, and of course can help a bunch of ‘old fat men’.

One interesting script at one point was the ‘Ghostbusters in Hell’ story (with Ben Stiller attached at one point), where the Ghostbusters end up in hell and/or their containment unit where they have to battle some old ghosts they’ve captured, and then the devil himself.  Apparently this is still set in New York, only the ‘hell’ version – how different that would be to the normal New York is arguable (just kidding, I’ve never been..)   Akroyd wrote this script some time ago but Sony seemingly weren’t interested in developing it.   Because Akroyd was contracted to Sony (I believe), he couldn’t pitch it to anyone else.  However, with the new retro age still in full flow, a lot of grown up money-making fans (and their kids) would likely pay to see a sequel.  The commonly accepted plot for the new movie is a team of younger Ghostbusters being trained by/working in addition to/rivalling the old Ghostbusters.  The IMDB tagline states; ‘’The Ghostbusters hand over the reins to the next generation.’’ This was touched upon in the third game (when the player is a ‘rookie’ Ghostbuster, with Akroyd stating the game was essentially the third movie) and in an original script idea for the first movie there were going to be several teams of Ghostbusters who were as common as firefighters and ambulance drivers, hence why their office was set in a firestation.

As mentioned in this site’s first ‘blog’ a favourable new team of Ghostbusters would be as follows; Jesse Eisenberg, Michael Cena, Anton Yelchin and Aziz Ansari.  An older generation (but still younger than Murray et al) could be the Judd Apatow troupe – Seth Rogen, Steve Carrell, Paul Rudd, Jason Segel etc.  Hell, even the Hangover cast on popularity alone (Zach Galifianakis seems to be getting in everything these days).  Thankfully Ashton Kutcher’s brief alleged involvement has dissipated but Eliza Dushku is attached and Alyssa Milano and Anna Faris are still being rumoured, the latter I think would be a good choice although I assume she would probably play some sort of secretary rivalling or working alongside Annie Potts’s Janine, both are great comedic actresses.  Not meaning to sound sexist, but I don’t think female Ghostbusters would work, in particular, young smart and attractive women Ghostbusters as opposed to a bunch of silly old pug-faced men, which is much more amusing.

The movie had a confirmed date of 2012 on IMDB, and then 2013, and now four unnerving questions marks are next to the title.  A tag line which seems to define the plot quite clearly is there though – ‘’ The Ghostbusters hand over the reins to the next generation.’’  So, it is still possible.  However, in interviews on red carpets and on the David Letterman show Bill Murray has seemed less than enthusiastic.  And Sigourney Weaver says she will only do the film if Murray does, and Sony will probably only bankroll it if they’re in it, which has lead to several rumours saying it won’t happen on the net.

Murray did admit to enjoying doing the voice work for the computer game though (click above link), so who knows..

Bull Murray Movember era

15 slimy supernatural specimens of GHOSTBUSTERS TRIVIA

1. The role of Winston was originally written for Eddie Murphy, Venkman for John Belushi (before he died) and Louis for John Candy.  Newer Ghostbusters in a sequel were to allegedly include Chris Rock and Chris Farley.  Chevy Chase and Michael Keaton also turned downed the role of Venkman.  John Candy and Chevy Chase would cameo in the music video for the film theme though.   Gozer was to be played by Paul ‘PeeWee Herman’ Reubens, who turned it down.

2. ‘The Exorcist’ actor Max Van Sydow provided the voice of Vigo the Carpathian in Ghostbusters 2.

3. Ray Parker Junior was not exactly a one hit wonder – he had several Top 10 hits in America in the 70s and early 80s with his band Raydio.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0iS-bEWsQA

Run DMC and Bobby Brown appeared on the soundtrack for the sequel.

4. Huey Lewis and the News were offered the chance to record the theme song but declined.  They later sued Ray Parker Jnr. due to the similarity of his song and their song ‘I Want a New Drug’.

5. Bill Murray is still funny and still looks good in a Ghostbusting suit –

6. Nearly every scene in Ghostbusters has an ad-lib in it.

7. Dan Akroyd would refer to Slimer as ‘the ghost of John Belushi’ on set.

8. The Ghostbusters’ weapons were originally meant to be wands and not proton packs.

9. ‘Adult film actor’ (you know, PORN STAR) Ron Jeremy makes a cameo in the film as an extra, and also acted in the porn version of the film.

10. The Sta-Puft marshmallow goo is actually shaving foam.

11. Vigo the Carpathian returns in Ghostbusters video game.  He is back in his painting, but is not a boss in the game and appears harmless.   Focusing on the painting (aim at Vigo and press ‘A’) will prompt one of 100 lines to be spoken (with Van Sydow doing the voice work).

12. Slimer’s original name was meant to be Onionhead due to him being a ‘smelly’ ghost.

13. Harold Ramis was originally only meant to be the writer of the film and not an actor in it.

14. Slimer re-appeared in Ghostbusters 2 due to his popularity in the animated series ‘The Real Ghostbusters’ shown in-between the two films.

15. An original title for the movie was ‘Ghost Smashers’.

One thing I love about London is the free newspapers – The Metro and The Evening Standard, both of which I believe possess a high quality of journalism, are easy to read, and (I believe) are not owned by Rupert Murdoch.

However, like with most papers, you always get some grumpy old git writing in and ranting about something.  I occasionally chuck in my two cents on online newspaper forums (i.e. on the Guardian or Telegraph’s website, or even Southampton’s dreaded local Daily Echo), but I don’t think I’ve ever been riled up enough to write in to reply to someone else’s opinion until now.  I had forgotten about it for a few days, then remembered it and decided to fire off a retort.

Last week someone wrote in complaining that graduates should not be seeking/taking minimum wage jobs, as if graduates 1. Had a choice and 2. Were rich enough not to and 3. Spent 3 years and thousands of pounds with the aim of getting a job they could have probably got anyway.  Not that I have anything against minimum wage jobs (a job is better than no job), but the guy’s attitude really pissed me off.  So I wrote this reply;

”I am replying to a letter a week or two old but one I feel is still relevant.  One of your readers wrote in saying that graduates should leave minimum wage jobs to non-graduates.  I find this incredibly narrow-minded as the whole point of going to university, at least in my opinion, is to try and secure a better paid job in the long run.  Unfortunately, in the current climate there are a lot of people with degrees and seemingly very few jobs for graduates.  I graduated 4 years ago and have not since found degree-related work; I have had to get by by temping in office jobs and working seasonal retail jobs for minimum wage.

If your reader thinks that people commit to 3 years or more or university, and get into thousands of pounds of debt with the ‘goal’ of attaining a minimum wage job then he completely misunderstands the whole point of university.  While some students do go simply because they ‘do not now what they want to do’ or want to distract themselves for a few years, most of us do actually want to get a career out of it.  Previously the whole point of (free education at) university was the taxpayer covers us until we get higher paid jobs and therefore pay back more tax into the system.  Now of course loans and higher fees are the norm and a generation of debt-ridden twentysomethings with no job prospects has arisen.

Not all of us are rich enough to sit around and wait for a degree job, people like myself have responsibilities and rent and bills to pay and have to take any job given.  Although I apply for graduate jobs, I also apply for ANY work as I do not like not doing nothing and living off benefits like a large minority of our society sadly do.  In the shop I work in, nearly all of the 20-30 staff have degrees in varied fields like Psychology, Architecture and English and many were unemployed for 5-12 months before being offered a minimum wage job.  I feel sorry for ANYONE unemployed but surely working in any job is better than not working at all.

Having a degree can actually work against you  when applying for a retail or minimum wage job as employers do not expect you to stay for very long.  Thankfully many realise that hiring graduates brings a wealth of education and experience to the workplace, and in my experience people without degrees have never actually been detrimentally affected by this.  In fact, I believe none of my managers have degrees, and all of their ‘underlings’ do!”

This wasn’t quite as pedantic as the old man who once wrote in to the Daily Echo to complain because my friend, on the college basketball team, had the gall to meet the visiting Tony Blair (Prime Minister at the time) in a vest.

Many years ago I was at Center Parcs with a friend, and for whatever reason we stayed in one day, all day, watching a Planet of the Apes marathon.   By the end of the day I think we’d watched the 5 Apes films and seen more of Roddy McDowall then his own family probably did in one day.  I liked the films at face value, as well as for their political messages, and of course Charlton Heston has a couple of memorable lines in the original (in the days before my memory of him was tainted by his obsession with the NRA).

Planet of the Apes

Recently I watched the new Planet of the Apes film ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes’ and was impressed by it, it was much better than I thought it was going to be.   Although not as good as the original (few films are in a franchise), it is definitely better than the several sequels and the Tim Burton remake that it spawned. The film basically shows how the apes ‘rise up’ and start their evolution (or revolution) into becoming the dominant species on earth.  It is similar to Conquest of Planet of the Apes; however it differs to Pierre Boulet’s book in explaining how the apes take over.

In the book (which admittedly I haven’t yet read), apes are enslaved and relied upon to do manual labour, to the point that humans become so lazy and reliant upon them that the apes overthrow them.  In Conquest cats and dogs are wiped out due to a disease and apes are also taken in as pets as well as being relied upon to do chores, and the same result occurs.

In the new film (SPOILERS), the origins are changed. There are two new storylines explaining this – one (which I find very clever) is based upon a new drug to cure Alzheimer’s that increases the intelligence of apes.  The protagonist ape, Caesar, is the offspring of one test ape and the effects are passed down to him genetically and he becomes as intelligent if not more so than a human.  By the end of the film he has rebelled and a helped a group of rogue apes become intelligent and unafraid of humans (who they subsequently attack in order to escape).  However, they are a long way away from taking over and despite his anger Caesar instructs the others not to kill (with the exception of one character) and they obey.   The second storyline is also linked to the drug.  While it increases the intelligence of apes, it can prove fatal to humans if they are exposed to it.  Which of course, happens, and very slowly an epidemic/pandemic begins to occur, although you only see a couple of characters suffering from this but it is obvious what is going to happen.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Although I liked the ending, it disappointed me slightly.  The human protagonist is Caesar’s ‘owner’ (played by James Franco), who is rescued by Caesar when another ape tries to kill him towards the end.  In an earlier version of the script Franco was meant to die, and I believe should have.  There is a very evil looking ape who I presume will have a part to play in a planned sequel (the whole series is allegedly being relaunched, it is the age of the remake/sequel/prequel in Hollywood right now).    I thought Franco would end up accidentally shot dead by a fellow human in a fight between the apes and the humans.  This would cause Caesar to change his apathetic attitude towards killing humans and trigger the more violent attack on the human race.  Or, the ‘bad’ ape would kill Franco, starting a fight between him and Caesar, which Caesar loses, making him the dominant ape and creating a more violent and deadly group of apes which evolve into the world we see in Planet of the Apes.    Or, simply, the bad ape and Caesar fight and Caesar loses.  Basically, Caesar and/or Franco should have died to explain how the apes come to not only hate humans but kill them as well, although I’m sure this will be explained in a sequel.  And, thinking about it, in Planet they aren’t actually that violent – they do look down on humans but tend to enslave and/or imprison them rather than just kill them.

Still, it was enjoyable; my only complaint being the annoying Tom Felton who I don’t believe can act, will forever be attached to Harry Potter (along with the rest of the younger cast) and has a really dodgy accent in the film.  Anything with John Lithgow in is always welcome, and the lovely Freida Pinto has a supporting role and thankfully doesn’t try to cover up her accent too much.

I normally hate CGI in films, finding make-up, stop motion and puppetry much more creative and realistic, but it’s quite good in this.  There are also a lot of nods to the previous films, including one over the top one given to Felton to utter.   In an unimaginative era for film-making (particularly ‘blockbusters’) this was a nice surprise.  Although this isn’t a review as such I’d give it a 7/10, perhaps even 7 and a half.

An article I wrote for Empire film magazine last month during my work experience, which has not been published to date (and is unlikely to be).  I did email the editor who okayed the article asking for feedback on it, and got no reply, so figured I might as well publish it on here..

Two things really disturb us humans – 1. The unknown, and 2. Our mortality (helplessness, addiction, hopelessness).  Here are (most of) the disturbing moments in films, obvious choices from the horror genre aside.

8MM (1999) – The snuff film scene itself is hard to watch, but more so is the chilling realisation that the killer is just a ‘regular guy’.  Joel Schumacher’s subject matter was disturbing enough to alter Nic Cage’s hairstyle forever.

A Clockwork Orange (1971) – One of Stanley Kubrick’s most controversial  films (and that’s saying something).  Several disturbing scenes include a tramp being beaten up, Alex’s re-education and the infamous rape scene.

American History X (1998) – ‘’I said put your mouth on the curb!’’  Suddenly the dentist doesn’t seem so bad.   Tony Kaye’s film about racism is bleak, brutal and powerful.

Antichrist (2009) – The Tampax ad they couldn’t show.  As if female genitalia wasn’t scary enough.

Lars Von Trier succeeds in depressing the hell (pardon) out of you.

Audition (1999) – Part drama, part horror, even part romance and mystery, Takashi Miike’s tale of a lonely widower gets stranger and stranger – and then out comes the piano wire.

Blue Velvet (1986) – Dennis Hopper and an oxygen mask.  ‘’Mommy!’’

The Deer Hunter (1978) – Michael Cimino’s Academy Award winning masterpiece turned Russian roulette into a metaphor for the Vietnam War.  Former POW Robert De Niro searches Vietnam for his disturbed friend and fellow POW Christopher Walken, and begs him to come home.   One shot.

Deliverance (1972) – ‘’ I bet you can squeal like a pig.’’ The scene that traumatised poor Ned Beatty.  John Boorman was responsible for a generation of people avoiding the woods, rednecks and weird kids with banjos.

The Departed (2006) – ‘’Where’s your boy?’’ – Cue Martin Sheen/Queenan’s Superman impression and a badly needed facewash for Leo DiCaprio’s Billy.  In an increasingly desensitised society, this scene genuinely makes you jump.  Martin Scorsese finally (and deservedly) won an Oscar for the Internal Affairs remake.

Eraserhead (1977) – Mutant baby, menstruating chickens, take your pick.  World, meet David Lynch.

Goodfellas (1990) – As if the bar scene where Billy Batts gets stomped into unconsciousness isn’t disturbing enough, the still alive Batts is later revisited in a car boot, only to be stabbed to death.

Heavenly Creatures (1994) – Before Peter Jackson was taking over the world with his Lord of The Rings Adaptations, and Kate Winslet was getting her baps out for Jack/hogging doors mid-Atlantic, she was helping her Kiwi mate bash her mum to death with a brick.  Incredibly dark and difficult to watch.

In The Bedroom (2001) – An argument between Nick Stahl’s Frank and his older girlfriend’s psycho ex (William Mapother) turns nasty, and pushes Todd Field’s  drama into an increasingly harrowing direction.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989) – ‘’What, the PG Spielberg film,’’ you say?!  Well, yes.  I doubt many kids (and their parents) were expecting to see a Nazi horrifically age and wither after drinking from the wrong cup.  At one point he literally turns into Doc Brown.  Martyyyy!

Irreversible (2002) – A graphic 13 minute rape scene involving Monica Belucci in an underpass would be enough to cement any film in the history of cinema controversy, but Gaspar Noe’s harrowing French crime drama manages to add a second footnote with some brutal revenge courtesy of a fire extinguisher.  Health and Safety would not be impressed.

Jacob’s Ladder (1990) – Tim Robbins’ tormented Vietnam vet is nearly run over by a car.  As he dives out of the way, he turns to see a demonic face shaking violently in the back of the car.  10 seconds of Adrian Lyne’s classic that is scarier than most horror films in their entirety.

Kids (1995) – Larry Clark did for teenagers what Jaws did for sharks.  A brutal scene involving an attack with a skateboard is surpassed by Leo Fitzpatrick deflowering a nervous young virgin, which in turn is surpassed only by the rape scene where Justin Pierce’s Casper casually rapes Chloë Sevigny’s Jennie.

Man Bites Dog (1992) – Belvaux, Bonzel and Poelvoorde’s Belgian black comedy/mockumentary followed a serial killer around as he randomly shoots people and recites poetry.  Despite a horrible scene in which an old lady is actually scared to death, the one that attracted controversy was actually only an insinuation at the murder of a baby.

Marathon Man (1976) – Dustin Hoffman is treated to some impromptu dental work by Laurence Olivier’s Nazi dentist.  John Schlesinger’s acclaimed adaptation of the William Goldman novel is overshadowed by this one scene.  Brush, wash and floss.

Mr. Brooks (2007) – Kevin Costner’s wise decision to play against type as a serial killer helped revive his career.  In Bruce Evans’ psychological thriller, Mr. Brooks dreams about the possibility that his daughter has inherited his naughty gene – and then the scissors come out as she amorally watches him bleed to death, fascinated.

Mystic River (2003) – Sean Penn’s vengeful gangster puts childhood friend Tim Robbins in an impossible position as he seeks the murderer of his daughter.  Clint Eastwood’s adaptation of Dennis Lehane’s novel is not the happiest film from the start to the end, but this scene is heartbreakingly tragic.

Oldboy (2003) – In Chan-wook Park’s mystery thriller, a man is imprisoned for 15 years and psychologically tortured by a mysterious antagonist.  Released as randomly as he was captured, he rebuilds his life with the love of a young woman.  And then the antagonist reveals himself, and the girl’s identity.  Truly jaw-dropping.

Pan’s Labyrinth (2006) – Heartless fascist Captain Vidal questions a peasant before smashing his face in as his helpless father watches.  Genuine hatred is invoked towards a character in a matter of seconds in Guillermo Del Toro’s haunting fantasy.

Pink Flamingos (1972) – John Waters set out to shock in his cult comedy, and shock he did.   One of the most bizarre films ever made, culminating in Divine picking up a pile of fresh, real dog faces and eating it.

Requiem For A Dream (2000) – Darren Aronofsky’s brilliant follow-up to Pi climaxes in an emotional montage chronicling the decline of every character in the film plays out to Clint Mansell’s ‘Aux Laterna’.  Probably the most powerful anti-drugs message to be shown on screen, if a little far-fetched.

Salò aka 120 Days of Sodom (1975) – Arguably one of the original ‘torture-porn’ movies, Pier Paolo Pasolini’s political critique encompasses much of this list with extreme violence, rape AND poo-eating.  Take your pick.

Schindler’s List (1993) – The most disturbing thing about Spielberg’s  finest hour (or three) is that it is mostly based on factual history – and he made some of the soul destroying scenes less graphic in order to be believable.   One that haunts your memory is encapsulated by a little girl in a red coat.

The Sixth Sense (1999) – The film that launched M. Night Shyamalan and revitalised Bruce Willis.  The ending has become infamous, but more disturbing than Hayley Joel Osment being tormented by ghosts is the scene in which a grieving father finds out just why his deceased daughter was always sick.

Taxi Driver (1976) – A Vietnam vet and Martin Scorsese feature again as Robert De Niro’s unstable taxi driver Travis Bickle talks about washing the scum off the streets.  Unfortunately for ‘the scum’, Bickle’s deterioration worsens until he gives himself a haircut and pays Harvey Keitel’s pimp a lesson.   Raw, gritty and controversial to this day, Bickle’s ‘last’ stand is as violent as it is powerful.

Un Chien Andalou (1929) – Luis Buñuel’s short is only 16 minutes long, but contains the enduring image of a woman’s eye being slit open.  And this was almost 80 years before Hostel.

Trainspotting (1996) – Danny Boyle and Ewan McGregor earned international recognition for this bleak drugs drama set in Edinburgh, as did the controversial scene of a dead baby crawling along the ceiling.

Transformers 1, 2 or 3 (2007-2011) – all of it.

Unbreakable (2001) – ‘’I like your house.  Can I come in?’’  Before the decline of M Night Shymalan, this dark comic-inspired drama perfectly captured the banality of evil in one simple flashback as Bruce Willis finds one of the many bad guys he went looking for.

To some people it’s sinister, to some it’s just a bit of fun, to some it’s a genuine holiday with a history.  Much like Valentine’s Day or even Christmas people either love it, or hate it for various reasons, usually commercialism.

Personally, I love it, and actually wish it would become bigger.  While I don’t agree with over-priced costumes being sold (and usually imported from a dodgy factory in China) I like the fact it’s an excuse to dress up and have a party.  I like the pumpkins, I like the brief acceptance of a darker side to imagination, I even like the little trick or treaters who go through the effort to get a few sweets – an innocence that often seems lost these days.

My favourite thing about Halloween though is the films.  I LOVE horror films, and it is possible the most creative genre of film, tied in with science fiction.

The greatest ever horror film is a debate that can go on for ages.

Personally, I love The Exorcist, The Shining, Halloween, Alien (and Aliens), The Thing , Dawn of the Dead, Evil Dead, The Lost Boys and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre to name but a few, as well as more recent films such as The Sixth Sense and 28 Days Later.  The output of Japan (and other Asian countries) over the past decade or so has been impressive, a lot of which has been remade i.e Ringu.  There are the classic Hammer horrors, great TV series and great horror comedies such as Ghostbusters.

Successful horror films almost always have sequels as well as they become a franchise complete with a merchandise range (synergy), and they usually depreciate in quality, but the characters and films live on forever as a result, and just when you think that’s enough a remake usually comes along.   Nearly everyone will have heard of Halloween, Friday the 13th, Saw and to a lesser extent the likes of Hellraiser and Phantasm.   The music can also define a film, from Goblin’s score on Suspiria to John Carpenter’s own Halloween theme.   A shift seemed to happen – from 70s creativity to 80s gore to 90s postmodernism to 00s shock, time will tell what this decade holds for horror.

One thing I love about horror movies is how there are so many of them out there.  At some point everyone seems to have had a stab (pardon) at them.  Few genres can be done on a low budget and be successful – and horror is a great training ground for start-up directors, allowing them to be creative and use ingenuity.  Of course you also get some absolute stinkers.  And thanks to Youtube, a whole heap of efforts have ended up online, films that would probably never be seen unless your local cinema was generous enough to screen it for a few days.

Whilst Youtube-hopping last week I came across a few clips and trailers for such films (and many full movies if you explore a little).  There are the ‘just bad’ variety (i.e. Blair Witch Project 2), and then there are the ‘so bad they’re quite good’ variety.  Enjoy;

Dark Universe

Mutant

Scalps

The Abomination

The Brain

Terrorvision

Clownhouse

Pinnochio’s Revenge

Killer Condoms

The Sinful Dwarf

The Candy Snatchers

Boarding House

There are plenty of full movies too (links not provided) provided by such channels as HorrorU4Got and TVTerrorLand.  Night Ripper, Evil in the Woods, The Lift, Out of the Body, Terminal Choice, Demon, Sea Serpent, The Jar, Disconnected, The Beast Must Die, and The Kindred were just some of the titles I saw, as well as the recommended Society.

From the ‘Ask Men’ website in 2008.   Some points are repeated and/or Americanised, but I found it quite amusing, especially as most men I know barely follow these (although I know I am guilty of poor punctuality and cursing).  A brilliant guide to decent behaviour in an otherwise rude society.

Etiquette

Always be polite
Even if you don’t like someone, there is no need to lower yourself to their level. Be polite and courteous; show that you’re the better man.

Do not curse
Swearing is a big no-no. It shows that you don’t have the vocabulary to express your thoughts appropriately. Furthermore, it is always very crude and impolite to be vulgar.

Do not speak loudly
When you speak loudly, it raises the stress level among company. It always implies that you can’t reason with people and rely on “brute force” to get your point across. It also draws attention — negative attention.

Do not lose your temper
When you lose your temper, you are showing everyone that you can’t control your emotions. If you can’t even control yourself, then how can you possibly control anything else? Keep your cool at all times (it won’t be easy but it is worth the effort) and people will take positive note of your levelheadedness.

Do not stare
Ogling someone is the equivalent of psychological aggression. You don’t want to intimidate people for no reason.

Do not interrupt
Let people finish what they are saying before adding your comments. Interrupting others is a sign of poor etiquette and a lack of social skills. If you want to come across as egotistical, you can do so by constantly interrupting.

Do not spit
A lot of men do this almost subconsciously. Spitting is very crude and not too pretty to look at. Do not spit in public unless you want to look like you were raised in a sewer.

Respect your elders
In fact, you should respect others as you would like them to respect you. I am specifying elders because it seems that today, young men think they know it all. Well, they don’t. Just think of yourself five years ago… you’re much smarter and experienced today, aren’t you? Of course, yet you thought you knew it all five years ago.

Do not laugh at others’ mistakes
This is perhaps one of the cruelest things one can do. When you mess up, the last thing you want is for someone not only to bring it to your attention, but to ridicule you on top of that.

Remove your hat indoors
This rule seems to have gone out the window these days. You should remove your headwear upon entering a building. Furthermore, never keep your hat on while at the dinner table. It reflects very poor etiquette.

Wait for seating before eating
When sitting down for a meal, you should wait until all the guests are properly seated and ready to commence the meal before eating. Everyone should start dining at the same time; this is a subtle but very important rule.

Always open doors
This is perhaps the most basic rule of male etiquette out there. It is also one of the easiest to follow so you have no reason to forget it. Whether she is about to enter your car, restaurant, club, or anyplace with a door, you should always hold it open. If there are many doors, then hold them open one after the other.

Put on her coat
Always help a lady put on her coat or overgarment. This is a simple but powerful action.

Help with her seat
If an unaccompanied lady is sitting next to you, it is important that you help her be seated by pulling her chair out for her and gently pushing it back into place, with the lady seated of course.

Give up your seat
If a lady arrives at the table and there are no available seats, you should stand up and offer yours to her.

Stand at attention
Always stand when a lady enters or exits the room. This rule has been somewhat relaxed, so you can stand upon entrance but remain seated upon exit. Nonetheless, if you can do both, you should.

Give her your arm
When escorting a lady (that you know) to and from social events, you should offer her your arm. This is a little more intimate, but serves well when walking on uneven ground — especially if she’s wearing high heels.

Ask if she needs anything
This is one that most guys already do, but helps complete the gentleman in all of us nevertheless. When at social events, make sure to ask the lady if you can get her something to drink (or eat, depending on the event). Show her that you care about her comfort and needs.

Don’t flaunt your riches
Nobody likes a braggart. Keep your assets vague if you have to discuss financial matters. You can wear expensive things without blowing your own trumpet.

Never let others see you looking at your watch
When you’re amid company, ask for the time or look at your watch only if you’re ready to leave right that instant. When others notice you glancing at the time, it can be interpreted as boredom. Be inconspicuous.

Never groom yourself in public
This includes picking your nose, chewing your nails and picking your teeth. These areas should only be ventured in private. Committing these acts overtly is a colossal mark of a lack of class.

Be punctual
Perhaps the greatest sign of respect, which is what a gentleman is all about, is being on time. Having people wait for you is the equivalent of telling them that you don’t care about them.

Shake hands firmly
Your handshake should mirror your personality. You want the other person to think of you as someone resolved, concrete and positive. But it shouldn’t be a test of your strength; don’t hurt them. Your grip should be the same for women.

Apply constant verbal grace
Use “excuse me” or “I beg your pardon” for all occasions. An extension of politeness, you should always use these expressions, whether it’s to get someone to move out of your way, to apologize for your upcoming journey to the men’s room, or simply to signal your interlocutors that you’re about to start a sentence.

Tip well and discreetly
Only tip when it’s called for, as opposed to those occasions when it’s simply awkward (i.e. hospital nurses or business messenger). When you do tip, don’t be cheap. Respect the 15% gratuity for restaurant tabs and nothing less than 10 for a significantly useful maitre d’.

Project high moral values
Even if you know that deep down you’re not, appear as if you were virtuous. A real gentleman always comes out of everything smelling like a rose.

Acknowledge your acquaintances
Don’t play hide & seek with the people you know, even if you don’t feel like talking to them. Bite the bullet, initiate the mandatory greetings, and get it over with.

Address new acquaintances by their title and last name
Doctor and military ranks are important to the people who have these titles. Mr. and Mrs. should be used for the others (if you’re unsure about a woman’s marital status, use Ms. when addressing her). Wait until they ask you to use their first name before doing so. There’s nothing more irritating than someone who uses your first name two minutes after having met you.

Look at your interlocutor
Your attention should always be focused on the person you are talking with. Always look at them when listening as well as when you are in control of the conversation. Again, it’s a question of respect.

At dinner, address those on your left and right
Unless it’s a frat house keg fest, don’t shout across the table — concentrate on those closest to you. This will keep the proceedings calm and orderly.

Never remove coat or necktie when in company
By keeping your clothes on, you show that you consider the other guests important enough for you to remain fashionably tip-top.

Only talk when you’ve been formally introduced
Which is why the phrases “Have we met?” or “Have we been introduced?” are so handy. If you feel like speaking to somebody, find a person the two of you have in common and arrange a proper introduction.

Let your social superiors address you first
Unless you are on intimate terms, always let your social superior address you. This may seem archaic, but think of it in modern terms. You see Bill Gates at the party; do you go talk to him? Not unless you want his bodyguard to intervene. It can be clumsy, so arrange an introduction.

Never smoke in the presence of a lady unless invited to
In this age of political correctness it has almost become a given. While she may not ask you to, make sure you do request her permission.

Remove the cigar from your lips if a lady passes by
This one is pure common sense. It’s a security measure as well as an indicator of high regard.

Offer your seat to women
Classics are always fashionable. Some feminists would certainly have a fit, but most women will definitely value the gesture.

Always carry a woman’s packages
Let’s face it; today’s women would probably shoot you a puzzled fleeting look, so at least offer to do so. This lets her know you respect her and are courteous enough to inquire as to her comfort.

Don’t “kiss and tell”
Discretion, honour and integrity are of paramount importance in developing and maintaining your reputation as a gentleman. Details of your love life should remain private. Similarly, if a colleague has too much to drink at a party, be discreet. Never break a confidence and don’t participate in unkind gossip.

Interrupt politely
Etiquette dictates that you should never interrupt, but that’s not always practical. Interjecting your comments while someone else is speaking is definitely impolite, unless there is an emergency, or other good and valid reason. If you must interrupt or leave a conversational group, be sure to say, “excuse me” or “I beg your pardon.” Being polite means treating other people’s situations, opinions and feelings with respect.

Be prudently punctual
It’s important to be respectful of people’s time. Arrive on time for meetings, business functions and social events. If a meeting is dragging on later in the day than planned, a gent will ask if there are any time conflicts. A true gentleman also recognizes when it’s time to leave a party.

Practice good etiquette
Being courteous and respectful extends to how you handle your oral and written communications. Letters and voicemail messages should show that you are well-mannered and professional. In addition, practice e-mail Netiquette and cell phone etiquette.

Be a gracious guest
Thank the host at a social or business function. At a company party, always seek out and thank the most senior management in attendance, plus your own boss and the party organizers.

Thank others
Send handwritten thank-you notes for any gifts you receive, whether they are from suppliers or clients, or even your great-aunt Martha. Thank your server at lunch, the doorman at your building and your colleague who brings in donuts. Recognizing other people’s thoughtfulness demonstrates your good breeding.

Don’t be politically incorrect
The difference between a gentleman and a boor is class. Show you have it. Avoid off-color jokes and gossip. A few cheap laughs at someone else’s expense will tarnish your image, both socially and professionally.

Practice small talk
Whether you’re at a wedding reception or business conference, how you make conversation will boost the impression of your refinement. Charming conversationalists mentally rehearse small talk on a variety of topics, avoiding religion, politics and sex. A gentleman listens attentively, making eye contact, showing interest and graciously drawing other people into a conversation.

Carry a handkerchief
Plan ahead. Have a clean handkerchief in your pocket, especially when you attend a funeral. It’s also a great idea to have a hanky handy for a lady friend to dry raindrops or tears.

Share your umbrella
It’s very gallant to offer your umbrella to a lady. On a chilly evening or if the air conditioning is high, your wife or date might appreciate the loan of your suit jacket and others will notice your thoughtfulness. However, this gesture may be viewed as patronizing in a business setting, so don’t do it for a female colleague unless hypothermia is imminent.

Cough thoughtfully
If you’re overcome by a fit of coughing or sneezing, excuse yourself and leave the meeting or dinner table for a few minutes. Return quietly and apologize again as you take your seat.

Pay the bill discreetly
When you invite someone for lunch or dinner, accept the bill discreetly and without fanfare. When you’re the guest, you may offer to pay your share or to buy the wine but it is ungentlemanly to argue about who will pay the tab.

Maintain eye contact
At a party, maintain eye contact with whomever you are speaking with. You may be the most well-mannered man, but if someone feels you’re scanning the room for someone more important to talk to, your image will be shattered.

Make introductions
Show your good manners when introducing people by telling them more than each other’s names. “Hal, I’d like you to meet Phil Brown, he’s a pilot with Delta. Phil, this is Hal Black. He recently returned from the Gulf with the military.” Many people have difficulty remembering names, and will appreciate your thoughtful manners if you say “George, you remember Alan, don’t you?”

Engage people
Be gracious. Make conversation with those on the sidelines, particularly at business functions. Your good breeding and kindness will be remembered. Invite people to become involved, whether it’s in a group discussion at a conference, a baseball game at the company picnic or a conga line at a wedding reception.

Follow the host’s lead
At a business dinner or dinner party, don’t sit until your host does, and don’t begin eating until they have lifted their fork. Wait to drink your wine until your host proposes a toast or takes a sip. Do not smoke until everyone has finished, and then only smoke if it is clearly permitted and once you have asked permission of your tablemates.

Never speak with food in your mouth
No one wants to see what you’re chewing or listen to you talk with a mouthful of food. If you’re asked something and your mouth is full, signal your apologies and, if your dining partners are refined, they will patiently wait until you’re able to reply. Unless there’s a valid reason to wolf down your food and bolt from the table, eat slowly and converse with your tablemates.

Don’t reach across someone
When dining with others, don’t reach over; politely ask someone to pass the bread. When they do, take the tray or basket and offer the passer a piece of bread before taking one. If the bread is in front of you, pass it to the person beside you and, if they are knowledgeable about good etiquette, they will offer it to you before taking their own.

Put down your knife
Unless you’re expecting an attack from a pack of marauding wild animals, put down your knife after cutting your food and before eating it. It demonstrates good table manners, slows down the process of eating and allows you more time to showcase your talents as a scintillating conversationalist.

Open the door
In a business context, opening the door for women can be a contentious issue, so don’t make it too obvious. If there are men and women in the group, hold the door for everyone. In a social context, a gentleman will always hold the door for a lady. In addition, go around to open the car door and wait there until she is seated.

Retrieve dropped items
When someone drops something, pick it up and hand it back, whether it’s a glove, a file folder or a twenty-dollar bill. Make sure you bend at the knees, not from the waist.

Walk beside a lady on the stairs
Never walk behind a woman on the stairway, especially if she’s wearing a miniskirt. Walk beside her or slightly ahead of her on the stairs. When exiting a subway station in a crush of people, a gentleman will avert his eyes from the thighs ahead of him. The same principle applies if you are walking on the streets; don’t follow any woman you don’t know too closely.

Walk on the outside of a sidewalk
This allows your lady to be farther from the traffic. This way, if someone is going to be splashed, it will be you, not her. I know, I know… but that’s the price to pay if you want to be a gentleman.

A blog written in February 2009, which is still relevant as the retro age rumbles on.   A lot of this is a repeat of  my ‘Selling Out’ blog (a lot of my writing tends to cover the same theme sometimes) but also covers fashion and movies and other ‘stuff,’ to an extent.

The Retro Age is not exactly a new phenomenon, but the current ‘money’ generation is the one that were children and/or teenagers in the 1980s.  And the 1980s was the age of capitalism and commercialism and pretty much everything being merchandise in accordance to synergy, so there is PLENTY of stuff to repackage and remake and resell.  Films are still being remade and/or sequels and prequels being made around them.  Clothing and music came back, tacky pieces of over-priced crap are still abundant online and in your high street shops.  And now the early 90s is creeping back in too.  Perfect timing for The Stone Roses to reform and cash in eh?

The Rise and Rise of the Retro age

I first learnt about postmodernism in Sociology at college, and I think that’s a fair description of today’s society, or at least cultural consumerism – post-modern.

Actors relaunching franchises (and subsequently their status) for a quick buck is nothing new, nor is a band getting back together.

But my generation, i.e. the generation of people that were born in the 70s right up to the mid 80s, are the ones who are now the forerunners of society, i.e. the 20 and 30 somethings with the money and power to shape the future. And as a result, we all have our happy childhood memories lodged somewhere in the 80s.

Therefore, Sly Stallone, Harrison Ford and friends have no hesitation in relaunching the likes of Rocky, Rambo and (unfortunately) Indiana Jones, and making at least $30 million from it. They know their fans will pay to watch these things.

The 1980s

But more recently, and what is getting a lot of people excited, is the sheer number of bands getting back together, and bands no-one thought would ever be back together. The Eagles, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Led Zeppelin and The Police have all resurged at some point in the past few years. Faith No More recently announced they were getting back together, and there is talk of the Smiths and pretty much every other band that people thought were consigned to the past, until the big guns started firing again.

Bands many thought might be finished by the end of the 90s are riding the A list wave once more, i.e. Red Hot Chili Peppers and Greenday. Some bands are reforming after breaking up not too long ago, i.e. Blink 182, Limp Bizkit, although these were the bands that took my mates and I through college. Even techno kitsch like 2Unlimited are hoping the retro age works for them. Take That proved boy bands can become successful man bands, and all of a sudden Boyzone, Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block re-appear (although I wish they’d stayed broken up).

All of this is making listening to the radio much more interesting again. My taste in music has gone very strange lately. I am enjoying classical music, and at the same time also listening to chivvy drum n bass and stuff on the opposite end of the scale, the ‘chavvy’ songs such as You Wot, Beeper, My Rolex and Heartbroken. I think it is more of a guilty pleasure, an ironic enjoyment of this music as it’s meant to be something my mates and I would hate, but evokes positive memories. But in-between I am loving some old school 70s and 80s stuff, such as Peter Frampton, Lynyrd Skynyrd and a little bit of Bob Dylan.

And this new age is allowing millions of new fans to jump on the bandwagon as well. One such band being The Stooges, although after a tragic death this might be short-lived (no pun intended). One thing that does crack me up is the amount of air-headed society kids with no knowledge of music going around wearing Rolling Stones t-shirts and The Stooges t-shirts, I bet they don’t even know their songs. All 18 year olds going out now were also (and here’s a scary thought) born in the 1990s, completely missing out on the eras of all of these bands, but jumping on the bandwagons anyway terrified of not seeming cool, which I find pathetic. But maybe I’m just getting old.

One example of a rejuvenated band that are in the perfect era for their music is The Pet Shop Boys, despite being old men their style of music is most definitely ‘in’ right now. As a teenager, liking the Pet Shop Boys was something you kept quiet about. In your 20s and 30s it is more allowable, but even now people under the age of 20 like them due to the fact they fit in perfectly with the current era. And I think their new stuff is really good, although I still will never forgive them for keeping The Pogues of the Number 1 spot.

In a side-note, and going back the Stooges, the retro era is also the ultimate sell-out era. Many 80s actors and bands are quite happy to make below-par entertainment to earn a lot of money. Movie examples are Terminator 3 and the new Indiana Jones, but look how much money Arnie and Harrison made. These days, even Iggy Pop sells out. I HATE people who say they liked a band ‘before they made it’ or ‘before they sold out’. These people know nothing about music, and can be described as music snobs. Sadly there were many of these at university. Basically as soon as a band makes a hit record, they become commercial, and have obviously sold out. Firstly, sometimes a band just gets better and better, or strikes it lucky with a song, and of course everyone wants to buy it and/or market it. You can’t blame the band for that. And 90% of bands are started to become big, the band members want to make money, become famous, meet girls, tour the world. Many DO love playing just for the sake of playing, but if you get offered lots of money and adventure, how many would turn it down? And so their first song or album is loved, despite sounding crappy (or in a more positive description, ‘raw’). They improve their equipment, vocals, song writing, gain a bigger fan base and release a second album which may sell a lot, and all of a sudden they become sell-outs and you get a small core of skinny little stoner music ‘lovers’ who go ‘Yeah, they used to be good, but now they’re too commercial’. Bollocks. It’s true that many big bands get to a point where new stuff or a new sound is hard to come by. The hardcore want another anthem, critics want something different and often the band members themselves all want to do something else, often resulting in break-ups when they all reach a point of ego and creative difference. Foo Fighters are one of my favourite bands, but I found their last two albums fairly average. This still does not change the fact they are an awesome band, who love playing music, and being successful does not make you crap or a sell-out. By some of these idiot’s arguments, the moment you pick up a guitar, or a microphone, or some drum sticks you are selling out.

I think the whole concept of it really is more of a punk thing, an anarchy thing. Yet the pioneers of this viewpoint, such as John Lydon (Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols) and Iggy Pop (lead singer of The Stooges) are selling butter and car insurance respectively, if they are doing it then how the hell can you describe everything else?

One thing I have constantly learnt in education and very evident in real life is that nothing is original anymore. Everything is just rehashed pieces of something else. Which explains the music of the moment, and for this you need to go back to where it all began, i.e. the bands now grew up in the 80s and early 90s, and that music shaped what they are doing now, and what is being played on Radio 1, and what is winning awards from NME and co. Just look at the festivals – the support bands are usually bands that grew up listening and imitating the likes of Metallica, Rage Against the Machine and Bruce Springsteen, and the headliners ARE Metallica, Rage and The Boss.
I think you can (probably inaccurately) put the music of the 80s and early 90s into 3 eras (completely ignoring pop, as my main argument here is concerning bands and therefore rock/indie/dance influence, although pop is very evident in today’s music and charting acts as well). In America you had the shift away from the late 70s ‘dad rock’ and the early 80s ‘hair rock’ (again big influences) into a more alternative style. You had stuff like Faith No More, Smashing Pumpkins, Nine Inch Nails and Nirvana. I can’t say I know as much of these bands as my older friends do although I do appreciate it now. A lot of this wasn’t as commercially successful as say other big artists at the time like Guns N Roses, but a lot of it was influenced by previous styles and has subsequently influenced modern styles, creating the more original (if there is such a thing) of the sounds on the radio today.) This later gave way to punk/pop rock like the bands my mates and I loved in college (the new rock/new punk/nu metal age, which as much as many people hate, did reignite a lot of old rock band tastes due to the fact they were these guys idols.)

In the UK you had a similar alternative movement, here starting off with the likes of Joy Division and the Happy Mondays and moving on bands typically appearing on The Word (or something to do with John Peel, Mariella Frostrup, Jools Holland etc) like Terrorvision and Suede, eventually being overtaken by the ‘Britpop’/Indie of Oasis, Blur and to a lesser extent Pulp (and many others).

The third era emerging was the development and emergence of dance/techno, pioneered by the likes of Kraftwerk but now finding angles in New Order and The Prodigy and lots of independent DJs here and in America, linked to but not the same as the (now seen as cheesy) ‘Eurodance’ which was prolific in the early 90s and is still getting sampled and re-sampled today. A lot of genres of music have clashed. People take the piss out of Vanilla Ice in the early 90s, but he was one of the pioneers of using a sample of a pop/rock record in a hip hop record, and just look how much that is being doing now (a recent example being ‘You Spin me Right round’). Even MC Hammer was mocked for his extravagant dancing and costumes yet look how many hip hop artists wear baggy pants, flashy shirts now and dance like muppets. You had the early clash of rock and rap by Aerosmith and Run DMC and pop and rap already becoming popular. Pop and dance then fused, often with a female vocalist and a male rapper, especially in the ‘Eurodance’. The likes of Prodigy fused rock and dance, and now you have many acts such as Pendulum putting a Drum N Bass twist on this. Many acts now, such as The Klaxons and more recently Crystal Castles and White Lies etc. are fusing all of this 80s and 90s mish mash – a mix of rock, indie, dance and pop and creating stuff that is partially new (but not original) and at the same time reminding us all of the sounds of the 80s and 90s, sometimes obviously through a non-hidden sample.

1990s cartoons

The fashion is also reflective of all of this. Just a few years ago I remember reading an article mocking 80s fashion and saying it was unlikely neon colours and 80s ‘crimes’ would ever make a comeback, and yet it has. Everything comes round eventually, often in cycles of around 20 years (i.e. giving someone enough time to grow up, make money by buy stuff that reminds them of their childhood and teenage years). The 80s fashion isn’t a new thing though, when I was at college I remember Ringspun t-shirts coming out with pictures of 80s idols on them. It seemed to go away, but I don’t think it did, I think it just became ‘consistent’ in the background, re-emerging mixed up with (of all things) 1950s fashion, and now more recently hand in hand with 90s indie clothing. Neon 80s with dull 90s indie, it’s quite amusing. You are getting checked shirts, glow sticks, neon t-shirts and skinny jeans, trench coat, large dark glasses and long shaggy hair. Some people pull it off, many look like idiots, but it’s all good fun. And again, the irony is most of the people wearing it are 16-20 and not born until the turn of the decade if not afterwards.

But one thing is for sure, this year’s entertainment is looking amazing already, and it’s only 2 months into the year. Films are banking on people’s favourite franchise of the 80s such as Terminator, and comic books and graphic novels everyone read are still being made/re-made, Watchmen being the highlight of my film year.

And the music is going to be awesome, providing you don’t feel too old to enjoy it when you see some arrogant little 18 year old dancing away to one of your favourite bands from a decade ago.

Know Thy Enemy, a brilliant poem by Christopher Logue (not the edited version used by many left-wing parties and in 1960s Paris);

He does not care what colour you are
provided you work for him.

He does not care how much you earn
provided you earn more for him.

He does not care who lives in the room at the top
provided he owns the building.

He will let you write against him
provided you do not act against him.

He sings the praises of humanity
but knows machines cost more than men.

Bargain with him, he laughs, and beats you at it;
challenge him, and he kills.

Sooner than lose the things he owns
he will destroy the world.

A blog written back in June 2008.  Hogan has since gone on to divorce his wife and marry his daughter’s friend (!) and return to wrestling yet again in TNA, sadly going down the route of Ric Flair, Jake the Snake, Terry Funk etc, who all became shadows of their former selves.  Still my favourite wrestler of all time, but every legend seems to let you down when you get older!

Hulk Hogan

A long time ago I would watch cable TV on a hot South African afternoon and watch an almost orange-skinned man wearing a yellow and red bandana rip off his matching vest whilst screaming at the crowd. Somewhere in the corner of the wrestling ring he was standing in would be his latest foe, be it Kamala, Giant Gonzalez, Ted DiBiase or a brief comeback against a Yokozuna or The Rock. Usually, through terrible acting, they would quiver and stare and stand aghast at the crowd roaring on Terry Bollea, aka Hulk Hogan, as the inevitable was about to occur. A failed attempt at a punch or a slap, followed by a determined pointing finger to the face of the victim. Seconds later, the unfortunate victim of the most popular wrestler of all time would be thrown against the ropes, come hurtling back seemingly unable to stop the forces of gravity and perpetual motion, and then BAM! A big boot to the face would knock them down.

The ‘Real American’ would start waving his arms and hands about, riling the crowd up as each section of the crowd cheered depending on which stand he was facing. Once the entire stadium were on their feet for the most over-rated but undeniably finisher of all time, Hogan would execute it. A sprint to the ropes, back off them and then to the other side, jumping over the paralysed, sweaty, muscly body in the middle of the ring awaiting its fate, only to return with a five foot leap into the air, an outstretched leg, and the ultimate collision of leg on torso. Very few people ever got back up before the 1-2-3 count, and the infamous title music would kick in as born-again dads and their fat teenagers screamed and cheered celebrating a seemingly unstoppable Western hero that America and her neighbours across the Atlantic adhered as the ultimate role model.

This is how I remembered Hulk Hogan, the man who once bodyslammed Andre The Giant, teamed up with Brutus ‘The Barber’ Beefcake against the evil Money Inc. and who made a shock return to save Bret ‘The Hitman’ Hart’s dignity and win the Heavyweight belt against a cheating 500lb sumo wrestler and his manager Mr Fuji, in front of hundreds of thousands of people at Caesar’s Palace. And who even shockingly once got defeated, DEFEATED by The Undertaker, a rare exception to the facade that he really was unbeatable.

Of course, all boys turn into men, or at least pretend to, and cynicism and bitter reality kick in. You learn that wrestling is equally entertainment as it is a tribute to athleticism. Matches are often pre-decided, scripted, and your so-called heroes are only heroes if their marketing is good enough. And Hogan’s was optimum. A ‘creation’ of Vince McMahon, Terry Bollea became bigger than either he or Vince imagined, and they would love and loathe each other for it and because of it. Sadly, like most great wrestlers, Hogan could not resist the one too many comebacks in his twilight years, an older, balder and heavier man in order to fight today’s generation of superstars, and of course the bank balance. Still, Hogan has many great twists and turns in his illustrious career, including finally turning heel in the once great WCW, the only other wrestling corporation to ever come close (and even beat) WWF/WWE in the rankings. But Hollywood Hogan, his alternate persona, was almost ironic in that he sacrificed much of the peak of his career to star in many much-loved but frankly terrible films, conveyor-belted Hollywood trash to rake in the working class dollar from Hogan’s and wrestling’s many family-orientated fans. Much like The Rock, Hogan could trade on his name alone, and spend 11 months of the year filming or cashing in on advertisements and TV shows and turn up back in the ring for one PPV and reclaim his title amongst a sea of ‘Hulkamania’s back’ posters and t-shirts, all part of the synergetic merchandise wagon.

While my love of wrestling was briefly and passionately reignited at college, it faded back into a general ignorance of something I was far too mature for in my twenties, much like video games and pretending I was actually any good at football. But an interest in Hogan reignited once when he made his last successful comeback against an equally idolised Rock (although in one of wrestling’s great moments that the scriptwriters could not comprehend, Hogan came in as the bad guy against the good guy Rock, only for the fans to cheer him on anyway). He was slower and the knee ops showed but he still managed a good performance. And then of course, was his MTV hyped TV show, Hogan Knows Best.

This show alone probably ruined many of my memories of my once greatest hero. Instead of a fun-loving, moral-preaching man you could imagine being your favourite uncle or even father-in-law, you saw a grumpy middle-aged man, completely out of touch with reality, over-believing in his own hype and persona, an over-protective father who would not let his relatively normal (and beautiful) daughter Brooke pursue something most stereotypical blonde American teenage women want, a boyfriend and to be a pop star. Like most of these women, she was quite naive and not very good, but nonetheless was very intelligent, and had her feet quite rooted to the ground, and had all the usual characteristics of a girl who loved her family but wanted to grow up. In strict contrast, there was the younger sibling, Terry’s son Nick, who the Hulkster was quite happy to let do what he wants, be it illegally driving cars around the neighbourhood or chatting up women much older than him, a true example of an old man living out his fantasies through his young son.

As funny as much of it was, this was the real-life Hulk, who had once urged us all to drink our milk, take our vitamins and say our prayers while unfortunately falling to the 80s Steroid Monster, who is said to hide in a cave these days in the Pasadena district, and occassionally come out when the drug testers are on holiday. But what was quite sad was seeing the father of Hulkamaniacs everywhere drinking quite excessively, being paranoid of anyone that wasn’t like him coming within a mile of his home, and the undertones of chavinism and homophobia. Perhaps normal of a man of his upbringing and generation, especially being as macho and American and right-wing as he is, but still a far cry from the man tens of millions of people would tune in to watch once or twice a week.

Obviously TV is edited, and no-one will ever know the full picture, but recent off-camera events in Hulk’s life have cast an even darker shadow over the sun-drenched era that was Hulkamania. After allegedly having an affair with one of his daughter’s friends some 20 years his junior (making all his overly-protective gripes about her dating so much as guys seem even more ironic), his wife has left him. Linda Bollea, another typical example of a blonde, Tango’d trophy wife (she was probably a cheerleader) may not have been the most genuine wife in the world but she certainly came across as a loving one, and a fun person to be around. Perhaps it is not just the idea of Hulk Hogan becoming another infidelity statistic, but the fact it was with a much younger woman, and a friend of his daughter’s.

If that wasn’t enough, the arrogant and downright spoilt Nick Bollea has just been convicted, at the age of 17, of dangerous driving in which a crash left his friend brain damaged. This may have come as a shock to some, if Nick hadn’t put a nail in his own coffin by contributing scenes of joyriding, police intervention or neighbourhood nuisancing in every episode of Hogan Knows Best. And, Hogan has finally been interviewed by Larry King, teary-eyed talking about it all, although he can’t really have much of a defence with the amount of camera footage and telephone conversations damning some of his son’s actions, and who knows about his other problems, but his daughter certainly isn’t speaking to him. Which all paints a very sad picture of one of my greatest heroes of all time. They say you should never meet your idols as you will only be disappointed, but it is a shame for millions of teenagers and young men alike to see an idol crumble on your own TV screen.

Pastamania!

Perhaps Hogan should have listened to his own catchphrases. His career certainly hasn’t stuttered however as he is currently presenting the American version of Gladiators (or was it us who copied them?), who even have their very own Wolfman, who ironically looks a bit like HHH. Maybe we will see Hulk Hogan don the yellow and red one more time, successfully leg-dropping his wife’s divorce lawyer and the lawyers serving Nick’s former friend. Hulkamania vs The Prosecution, with fellow faded heroes The Ultimate Warrior, Jake the Snake and Macho Man Randy Savage in his corner battling for their lives. And maybe, just maybe, Hulk Hogan will come out on top once more, legdropping the prison wardens and the tax men and the army of lawyers in white shirts and shiny shoes, and win his family back as well as his respect.